On The Outside Looking In

I already know that I don't belong. Usually the feeling is subtle, but today I was ostracized in a very obvious way: gift exchanging. It's extremely awkward to stand in a group and make small talk, while trying to ignore the little packages being passed around you. I felt more out of place than ever, standing there smiling stupidly and overdressed in my knit dress and boots.

The feeling didn't really hit me until J was happily playing with his little treat baggie and asked me if I got one too. "Ummm no... I didn't get anything," I replied candidly. I didn't realize how pathetic it sounded until I said it. I instantly regretted saying it because it was so embarrassing to see that pitying look in his eyes. He tried to give me his treats, which of course I refused so he gave me some gum. I appreciated the thought but "low" is the only word I can use to describe how I felt.

The problem with our youth group is that it's so closed off from outsiders. When I brought my friend S to visit the church, we ended up hanging out only with each other since no one was willing to talk or include her. Several times, people have come to the church only to never return again. They end up going to other churches. I'm deeply disappointed when I hear this because there were quite a few people I'd liked to have been friends with. This rather unwelcoming attitude was displayed again tonight, when there was a foreign exchange student from Germany. After the initial round of brief introductions, she was mainly left alone. I, along with a couple of my friends and the group leaders, held up a decent conversation but during the free time I saw her by herself again. I ended talking to her the entire time and no one else gave her so much as a second glance.

I've had reservations for a while now but tonight something in me has bubbled over. I am so over this church and everything about it. I've been going there nearly every week and tired of it. I dislike it so much I want to remove myself from anything associated with it. When I leave for university, I have no intention of returning there. I will never "visit" this church unless it's absolutely necessary. It's not so much hate or anger I'm feeling than... That disgust you feel when you eat the same thing breakfast, lunch, and dinner, every single day of the year.

In the meantime, I'll stay active. Then I'll just stop. And if someone asks me why I never come, I'll just reply, "I felt like an alien."